In the end, work comes down to relationships, just like any other important area in our lives: friendships, partnerships, parenting.
It always comes down to relationships. If you manage to have more adult-to-adult interactions more often, you won't just improve your collaboration at work, but all other areas of your life will improve as well.
Think of an adult-to-adult relationship like two neighbors maintaining a shared street.
- Owning my side of the street: I take full responsibility for my side by regulating my emotions, owning my actions, and addressing my challenges without blaming others. I stay committed to personal growth and ensure that my behavior aligns with respect and accountability.
- Trusting you to own your side: I trust in your ability (or at least potential) to manage your side, make your own decisions, and handle challenges. I communicate openly and transparently, without withholding information or overstepping due to fear or a need for control. I honor your autonomy and don’t try to "fix" your side for you.
- Being a good neighbor: I respect the boundary between our sides of the street. I don’t throw my trash (emotional baggage, blame, or manipulation) onto your side. At the same time, I offer support and collaboration when you genuinely need help, ensuring I don’t take over or undermine your ownership of your responsibilities.
Example
Imagine this scenario:
🗣️ "Do you know why the API request is failing?"
🗣️ "Yes, the response format changed. Let’s debug it together."
This interaction stays in the Adult-to-Adult space, fostering collaboration. Contrast this with a defensive tone, like: "Why do you think I broke it?", and you can see how quickly the dynamic can derail.
I wrote a more detailed post on this, that you can find here. And I highly recommend watching this conversation I had with Lisa Gill about this topic.
If you would rather listen to it on the go, the conversation is also on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Amazon Music.
Find the show notes, full transcript, and links to the podcast here.
🧪 A simple experiment: Want to nudge your workplace relationships towards adult-to-adult? Try this:
- Reflect on your last five interactions with colleagues. Identify one where the dynamic could have been more collaborative or respectful.
- Initiate a conversation with that colleague about how you can improve your shared "street."
- Use the street metaphor: Share how you plan to better maintain your side.
- After the discussion, implement one concrete action from the conversation.
- Set yourself a reminder to check back in with that colleague in four weeks to ask if they noticed any changes.
Observe how this changes the dynamic and fosters trust over time.
🤓 Fun Fact: The foundation of adult-to-adult interactions stems from Transactional Analysis (TA), a psychological theory by Eric Berne. He identified three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. Healthy communication happens when both parties engage from the Adult state—logical, thoughtful, and grounded in the present.
🤔 What if: What if workplaces operated entirely on Adult-to-Adult dynamics, monitored by an AI mediator? Imagine an AI that detects and nudges interactions into the Adult-to-Adult zone in real time. A tense email? The AI suggests edits. A heated meeting? It intervenes with a calming pause and constructive questions. How much more effective could you be if all your interactions were adult-to-adult?
If you want to receive visualized concepts like this with simple experiments in your inbox when they come out on Monday mornings, sign up at visuals.newworkbydesign.com
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